...or tries to...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Moving away, (and on)

I know I haven't checked in for about 4 months, breaking an unspoken rule for brand new bloggers. And the most interesting posts I read are about new things and change and upheavals. But for some reason I stayed away, maybe because I tend to cram major life changes into sudden bursts and might stall if I stop to think about them. I don't have much of the conventions that mark out time, I've always worked from home, I don't have kids and their milestones to measure change, so lots of my progress through life and time are internal, inside my head. I keep time with my hands, with things I make.

But since my Dad died in March, there's been an understandable urgency-a need to move around. I put up with things that didn't work because I was still in love with the things that did. But when they started ganging up, when screaming, banging, flooding, knife throwing neighbors (yep, knife throwing) took over my world, everything started to tip. Was I too in love with the little things, or, at least, too in love with the small details in life that the bigger issues were being neglected? There's a philosophy out there that proves itself true everyday, that if you can't be happy with small moments, you can't be happy in general. But can you be too happy with them, missing out on risk and change, turning away from the terrible complications that come with moving and packing and trying something else? I loved my little house even when it wasn't wonderful anymore-I don't have my own house right now. I don't have my little arrangements and my still lives-I'm sleeping on a pull-out couch. But it's really good. I can't really say why right now. But I'm open.


Sans! said...

It's good to see you back, Amy :) and to read your thoughts.

Your posts often leave me a little awestruck , almost always loss for words and sometimes wistful, a good kind of wistful if there is such a thing.

And about the small stuff? You know what they say. At the end of the day, everything is small stuff so why sweat it? And so when my roof leaked so bad I had to use 5 pails on my dining table and still could not save it from warping, I just cover the table with a pretty sari.

Chaos in the midst of order is vibrant. So we embrace chaos and then we change, or we adapt and live with knife throwing neighbours and still change, and we create and we love. Life can always be beautiful when you are open, right?

Don't go away for too long this time, Amy :).

Evelien said...

What a contradiction: such a beautiful, cosy and creative safe haven with outside this complete madness of neighbours! Hope you'll get some rest now and that your next home will be just as beautiful.

Good luck!

groetjes Evelien

Amy said...

So so true, Sans! I was starting to think that chaos is to be completely avoided, but it came to find me anyway! You have to find out that you can handle it, and there's no way to prove that to yourself if you don't take it on. Thank you so much for coming back and reading and leaving your wise words, it's wonderful to see.

Hi Evelien, I'm already starting to forget all the craziness, it does fade away fast! And happily, I didn't pass on my upstairs neighbors to the next person living in my home-they were evicted the same day I officially left. At least that!

Pubdoll said...

Hi Amy,you have ben missed!
It's almost unbelievable that you lived next to such chaos! Your cozy,beautiful home and wonderful work has for me always been the epithomy of calmness, peace and tranquility. And to create such beauty and ambience when you're disturbed by knife throwing neighbours is for me quite unbelieveable!

But I can recognize myself in loosing the bigger picture for the small details. We have a house that unexpectedly for us, needed total renovation because of fungus and other problems. This nearly ruined us and for a year the house was uninhabitable, and I was very deep down. Our house still isn't finished, even though we get closer every year, but instead of sitting down on the big lawn where I can see everything that has to be done, I have made myself a little flower bed on the side of the house, and made a little spot for me next to it where I can relax and only be surrounded by beauty :-)

I hope your life from now on will be more like the life portrayed in your work, and I'm sure your next home will be just as beuatiful. Because as one can clearly see from the pictures, it's not the house that made your home a home, but all the beauty and personality you filled it with!

Amy said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Helene! I've been thinking about what you wrote all morning. I love how you created a place of peace for yourself despite the problems in other parts of your house-it takes a true measure of strength and wisdom to know to do that. Isn't it amazing how we imagine a time when most problems will be solved, most pain eliminated, and think that then we'll truly be happy? It seems the secret is knowing that we have to find our way into joy, make it up ourselves. I love that you have your garden, and it's real and true.

(And Nora's gazebo and garden is wonderful! Your miniature world is so real, so rich and detailed that I sometimes forget that Helmer and Nora aren't our size!)

Pubdoll said...

Thank you Amy, both for thinking about me the whole morning :-) and for your nice comments about the gazebo, garden, Nora and Helmer! You know I sometimes almost forget they are dolls too, when I see something nice I can say, Karl Edo (or Polly Line) would have liked that, since they all have different taste :-)

And even though the house isn't finished, my worries are almost gone now, and I am infact happy most of the time :-) I think even more so because of the troubles I had and "survived" I appreciate the little things more now.

Kaylovesvintage said...

more..more ..Amy
miss you

Amy said...

I miss you too, Kay! I'm getting ready for three shows, or I wold be spending more time online-but I'm the happiest when you visit!

claygrl said...

Nice to see you 'back'. Sorry about the difficult circumstances. You are a brave woman and you will emerge from this time with so much more creativity. Knife throwing neighbours always through a glitch into my creative thinking...how awful! Good story to add to the mix though.

Good luck with your upcoming shows!